Right now, I'm at the Austin International Airport, but to be honest, I'd rather be at Jester Dormitory.

This past week and a half has been an intense culmination of all of the work we have done for orientation over the past semester. It is hard to believe that we all met in January and that so much time has passed. These people are great and I absolutely love spending time with them. I can't believe that all of workshop is over and that we are now about to (finally) start on orientation sessions.

I am really excited for the incoming freshmen to see the work that we've done. After having come to orientation 2 years ago (wow...) I can certainly say that I didn't even fathom anywhere near the amount of work that OAs put in to running orientation. I thought that the Social Justice program was boring and way too long and the Campus Issues program was cheesy and lame. But now, I respect the programs and messages so much more. Yes, it is still rather cheesy and can be boring at points in time, but the people working on these programs have put in so much time, and the messages really do matter.

On Friday's Fun Shop, we had an exercise where everyone sat in a huge square along the walls and then turned around to face the wall. Then, everyone had to close their eyes. The workshop committee then put on cheesy and sappy music and read statements out loud. There were anywhere from 7-10 people standing up at a given time and every time a statement was read, you would tap someone on the back that fit that statement. Things like, "You have changed my life." and "You are an amazing person." are cool things to hear from someone via a tap on the back. The best part about it is that you don't know who is tapping you, rather, that you are just being tapped. It brought us all really close even though it was super cheesy and sappy. I loved it.

And so now, I'm getting ready to head to Boston on my 20th birthday for this conference and honestly, I'd rather be sleeping in my uncomfortable Jester dormitory "bed" right now. I'd rather wake up at noon, eat lunch and watch the movie with other OAs, and then get ready for OA Graduation.

In 6 weeks from now, I will have experienced a lot. I'm already getting really attached (how can you not after spending every waking moment with these people?) and I love it. Everyone is really great and I am having a ton of fun. I will not lose touch with some of these people after this all ends. I refuse to let that happen. During the year, it's hard to not be consumed by school, speech, and now this Pearson position, but I am determined to maintain my friendships outside of speech and within the realm of OAs.

Well, I'm about to board now, so I should leave. Here's to being 20 and no longer a teenager!

Depending on if you read my Xanga in-depth, you may or may not know that I didn't get elected Team Captain for the speech team.

Since I found out on Tuesday night, I've been disappointed and kind of lost as to how I should continue to function within the team and I've been pretty insecure about things. I have (hopefully just temporarily) lost the motivation to see why I should continue to work hard and pour myself into the activity of speech.

In the midst of talking to one of the most brilliant people I know, Jill (a former Team Captain before I got on the team and an incredible person), she mentioned that having talked to some of the people on the team throughout the year, that competitive success at Nationals would be a factor when it came down to captain.

I have never considered competitive success to be the mark of a true leader.

Do you? What are your thoughts?

The way I see it, if people voted partially or fully because Joe had a better nationals competitively than I did, I can react in 2 ways:

1) Be disappointed that I didn't do as well and continue wondering if that is the reason that I didn't get it

or 2) Use that to move on and realize that if I can't get elected because I don't win, then there's more changing to do on this team than I realized.

I didn't address that notion of leadership in my short speech during elections because I thought it was a fundamental mentality that was held by a lot of people on the team. Clearly, I was wrong. Leadership should be set by example and hard work, not trophies and plaques. I think that a leader should be the one getting there earlier and staying there later than everyone else--the person who does things behind the scenes and empowers others to operate at their fullest potential. I know that I have the experience necessary to do it, and although I wasn't chosen, the fact that this could even play an inkling as to why I didn't get it sheds some light on the situation at hand.

It is shocking to me that perhaps I lost the election because of this notion. Yes, it is disappointing, but I don't pretend to be the best competitor in speech because I'm not. I'm still learning and much more than the competitive aspect that I bring to the team is my hard work and dedication day-in and day-out. I don't work during just the week preceding a tournament and I am not the type to just decide to run for captain 3 hours before elections. Although Joe is, and it clearly paid off for him, I can find pride in the fact that I am the kind of person who works towards something. And that is still rewarding.

When I was a Drum Major in high school, as many of you know, Marcel was my "little brother". Since Tuesday, in the midst of disappointment and confusion that I've been experiencing, Marcel was elected both Head Drum Major and NHS President. I know that he's headed to greatness and I am ecstatic. Last night, he told me (via Facebook chat) that he got Make Good Choices engraved on his senior ring. Anyone who was around me during my senior year in band knows that I said that to him every single day without fail. To know that I have inspired someone and impacted a life is pretty rewarding and is the biggest reason that I am motivated. I know that I have changed so much since then and have grown a lot--and maybe if I had said a speech similar to this Xanga post that the elections might have resulted differently--but the place I am right now is the place that I should be. My time will come. I know it will.

I know that I can be a good leader. I've had experience and I've been lucky enough to have been given a lot of chances to lead, and this is the first time that there's been a major leadership position that I wanted and did not get. Maybe that's okay. And I guess that's the first step towards closure.

"If you can't accept losing, you can't win." -Vince Lombardi

"Defeat is not the worst of failures. Not to have tried is the true failure." -George E. Woodberry

"But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for." -Paulo Coelho

"I learned much more from defeat than I ever learned from winning." -Anonymous

"You've got to learn to survive a defeat. That's when you develop character." -Richard Nixon

"Winning is great, sure, but if you are really going to do something in life, the secret is learning how to lose. Nobody goes undefeated all the time. If you can pick up after a crushing defeat, and go on to win again, you are going to be a champion someday." -Wilma Rudolph

"When defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound, rebuild those plans, and set sail once more toward your coveted goal." -Anonymous

"Defeat should never be a source of discouragement but rather a fresh stimulus." -Robert South



I didn't get captain for the speech team. A bit disappointed. I'll be okay. Just doing some thinking and evaluating.

 Life as I know it is pretty good.

We finished up AFA Nationals earlier this week. UT placed 3rd again which is decent but I think secretly some people were disappointed that we didn't place higher as a team. I was alright with it but I do hope NFA goes better!

I didn't have the best time at AFA. I enjoyed it and I had fun but it wasn't a really team-oriented feeling this time at nationals, which is really weird because that's really the only major feeling that I associate with nationals. The team feeling where I get chills and tingle all over when I think about the team reaches such a crucial point when I think about nationals and I can say that I was rather disappointed that the major source of fun I had at AFA was not team-related. Quite opposite, to tell the truth.

Additionally, I lost my camera on the last night there and I really wish I hadn't. There are no pictures of AFA now thanks to me.

I personally didn't break anything out of prelims at AFA, which is something that I was a bit disappointed about but got over quickly. I do love speech for the activity moreso than the competition, but it would be nice to break at a big tournament for once. Perhaps NFA will go better but I am trying to just not be discouraged.

I have my second Accounting exam coming up next week which is so nerve-wracking. It's quite daunting and intimidating that it's so close and that I have to learn so much. I am spending all weekend studying tomorrow.

We leave for NFA on Wednesday and I can't wait to get out of here again. I want to be with speech people all the time and just be happy. Real life is so much more boring and dull.

I think that I'm the World's Worst Orientation Advisor. I say this because I feel like I'm the only one who isn't completely immersed in the position and therefore haven't made my life-long friends like everyone else. I just have a lot of commitments during the year and I miss school because of nationals so I can't be fully dedicated, yet.

That being said, I received a position as part of the 2009-2010 PSAB, which makes me 1 of 12 students in the country to receive a position. I'm really pumped and we start off right when summer starts, putting me a position to go to Boston from June 8-10. However, the first orientation is June 9 so now I have to deal with all of this trouble. Like I said, world's worst OA.

I wish that I were better at speech. I know it's not all about the competition but I see these incredible performers and part of the reason I don't see myself as that good is because they have so much more experience than I do. It's weird because I have an inferiority complex to them but also a longing to be like them, so I end up being somewhat jealous but also worship-y (for lack of a better term) of these people who are normal and are simply my friends. A freshman from GMU finaled 2 events and semi-finaled 1 event, including winning DI and being a national champion his freshman year in college. On top of that, he's a ridiculously cool and nice guy, comes from this awesome preppy school in Maryland or something like that, and is just an insanely awesome human being. So I am super happy and excited for him because a) he's a freshman and b) he is indeed incredible, but I can't help but c) be a bit jealous that he did so well because I want to do well. Regardless, he definitely deserves it and he is indeed ridiculously good at speech, but I don't know how to beat the learning curve because I didn't seriously do speech in high school. I don't come from a program that was really good or had exposure to things that was really good. Sometimes, I don't even feel like I come from the same program as Jessica, a girl who is 1 year older than me and went to O'Connor--she was a 2 time state champion and a national champion in high school, and is now a 2 time national champion in college. I'm just like--how did she get so good? Didn't we have the same coaches? (The answer is no, we didn't, but we did come from the same program). Regardless, I wish I were better and had that experience because even though I'm enjoying it and having the time of my life, it's still disheartening to not do well.

For instance, one of my biggest things is just progression. As long as I get better every year, I don't care how I do. I am infinitely and world's better than I was last year. However, last year, I qualified 6 events to AFA and was next out (or 25th in the nation) in 2 events--POI and Impromptu. This year, I qualified 4 events to AFA and was nowhere near breaking any of my 4 events a AFA. Even though I am undeniably better than I was last year, the numbers don't seem to indicate this.

That being said, how do I reset my mindset and build the confidence to do well at NFA? If I continue to mope about the fact that I don't think I'm good even though I know I am, I definitely won't break at NFA because I'm only thinking about competition and I'm also just going to subconsciously beat myself up about it and have a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I don't know. I'm thinking too much. I need to get to sleep so that I can study Accounting all day tomorrow. Wee.